Because I Wasn't There
by Wecantstop99
Summary: He wasn't there for her when she needed him. He wasn't there and he could not live with himself if he was not there now. Elliot Stabler finally makes his reappearance at the trial of William Lewis.
1. Chapter 1

Hi Everyone! This is my first story I am posting on this site. I am a big E/O fan, and have a hard time watching the newer seasons because Elliot is gone. I hope you like it!

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Dick Wolf, not to me.

**Because I Wasn't There**

**Chapter 1:**

Months after the worst days of her life, after she fought so hard after to overcome what Lewis had done to her. Olivia Benson sat in a courtroom where she had earlier relived what had happened to her, in front of strangers, her colleagues and the man who occupied her nightmares since that fateful night a few months earlier. She now sat waiting for the jury's decision and she knew what is was going to be. They knew she lied, she knew they did, and she knew that he was going to walk.

The fear was so real. It was the same fear she felt when was taken those months ago. It was acute and she could not breathe, could not react, and could not feel. Her friends and colleagues had tried to talk to her, calm her, take her mind off of what was happening but she could not react. She knew that they had the best intentions for her, but she didn't want to talk to them. She didn't want to talk to anyone at all. Honestly she wasn't positive she even wanted to be living, because if he walked, she knew she might as well be dead.

She took a deep breath, and a cold medal object hit the skin on her chest. She forgot she was wearing it. She put it on at the beginning of the trail, after not looking at it for such a long time. Olivia wore it under her shirt, near her heart. She needed strength, needed grounding and she knew that if a part of him were with her, she would have that. It who he was to her, and although she had not seen or heard from him in over three years, he would always be that person.

To be honest, she tried not to think about Elliot Stabler all that often. It still hurt that he was gone and that he had not contacted her, especially after her whole ordeal with Lewis. But as much as it hurt, she knew how much she meant to him and how much he meant to her. It is one of those things you can't explain. They never talked about it, never had to, they just knew. She had moved on with her life, as she was sure he had as well, but their connection would never die and it was something she did not want to lose.

As she was thinking about Elliot, she grabbed the necklace, trying to steady her breathing and ground herself. The fear and tension was dissipating, leaving her body. She used to do this a lot when she first got the medal and she was still desperately missing her partner and best friend. Today the effect it had on her was stronger than ever. It was almost like he was physically there with her, which was impossible because she had not seen or heard from him in years.

Then suddenly, she saw Lewis enter the courtroom and stare her down. She looked away pretending not to notice. She looked at her nails and then phone, anything to distract her from his stare. She did not want him to think that he was important enough to have a second of her time, or worse that she was terrified of him. He did not even deserve any kind of reaction from her. A moment later the jury entered the room and the fear she was feeling a few minuets earlier had come back in full force.

As everyone settled down, the judge began to speak. It was the moment of truth, and she could not listen to a thing the judge said. She was still looking at her phone, trying not to lift her eyes; afraid people would see the fear. She was so tired of being afraid and so tired of people knowing she was afraid. It was not her, never had been and she hated who she was becoming. She was trying to listen to what was going on but she couldn't. She was sweating and not breathing. Everything was closing around her. Then suddenly her phone buzzed quietly.

She glanced at the screen and it was a text from an unknown number. It was absolutely the most inappropriate time to be checking her text messages, but she didn't care. She was intrigued. She opened the text on her lap, still clenching the medal around her neck.

"Semper Fi" the text read. She was pretty sure her heart stopped beating and she blinked a few times, eyes bludging out of her head. Even opened and closed the text a few times before she believed it was real. It could not be happening. She picked up her head, and saw Lewis staring at her, but she didn't care, she started looking around the courtroom. And finally she stopped when she found what she was looking for. A pair of beautiful deep blue eyes she had not seen in so long. She new just stared into his eyes, and he stared back.

Elliot Stabler was in the courtroom, he was there, in the flesh, and she could not wrap her mind around it. She didn't know what to do, but she could not stop staring. His eyes told her everything. She forgot how they could communicate with just a look, what is like, how it made her feel. And what he was telling her right now with his eyes was that her was here with her, for her, he was sorry, and that nothing in this world would ever hurt her again if he could help it. She could not help herself, her eyes teared and she gave him a small smile, one that he returned.

And then the juror spoke, and reality crashed back in. She had to take her eyes off him and turned to face the front, she quickly looked back to make sure she did not imagine him, and he was still there and gave her a small reassuring smile. She turned back waiting to hear the decision.

"On the charge of attempted murder we find the defendant … not guilty"

And with those words, her whole life felt like it was ending. She had lost and that bastard was walking out of here a free man. She held her breath and tried to keep it together as she watched Lewis hug his lawyer.. She felt an arm on her back and it was Nick, Brian was right next to him. It didn't matter though, she felt life leaving her body, and there was nothing either of them could do to stop it.

In the back of the courtroom as the jury announced their verdict, Elliot Stabler, clenched his fist. There had been only a few times in his life where he had been so angry and so scared at the same time. There as no denying what he felt for Olivia, what he had always felt for her. He knew it and he knew on some level she knew it. Hell everyone who had ever known them knew it. He had been nothing but a bastard for the last three years and he knew it. Killing Jenna had broken him. And by the time he was in a state to be anything to anyone, it was too late and Olivia had moved on with her life, and he did not want to cause her anymore heartache. It did not make it right, but she deserved better, she deserved everything.

But he had to be here today, he knew she needed him and he needed her. He needed to see her, to make sure she was ok. And he needed to protect her. It was his job and he failed her. When he heard her tell her account of what happened, he had to leave the room because he physically got sick. Now he was so scared of what that piece of shit would do to her if he got the chance. She was not safe and he was so scared. There was no way that monster was going to get away with this. He had never felt so much anger toward anyone in his life. It was a switch he could not turn off and he knew exactly what he had to do. So without a word he left the courtroom.

Olivia turned around to find Elliot, find her rock, but he was no longer there. All the fear she felt for Lewis, paled in comparison to the fear that Elliot had not actually been there and had been a hallucination. She could care less about what was going on around her, what her friends and collogues were saying or doing. She quickly checked her phone and she still had his text. So he had to have been there. Suddenly, the phone vibrated again, again the unknown number came up. She quickly opened the message.

"Semper Fi. I'll be back Olivia, I promise you I will be back. Please dont give up on me Liv. XO El"

And with that text Olivia finally broke down.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for reading! Keep giving it a try! I promise it will get better!

Disclaimer: I do not own SVU

Chapter 2

Elliot walked outside the courtroom with more anger boiling up in him than he could ever remember. But he was not sure whom he was angry at. William Lewis was a sick son a bitch who deserved to rot in a prison cell for the rest of his life. Scratch that, he deserved to suffer the most painful death for what he had done to his Liv. It made him sick to actually know what that son of a bitch had done to her. But as angry as he was at William Lewis, he was just at angry with himself. He was angry for not being there for her. Not being strong enough to go to her three years ago. For not being around last may to protect her from harm, she would have never been allowed to go home by herself, he would have made sure she was ok. And in the aftermath he should have been there to help her pick up the pieces. But he was too scared, he had been gone for three years, she had moved on with her life, had a new boyfriend and a new partner, she did not need him to come sweep in and mess everything up, especially because Elliot was not yet fully recovered from his ordeal.

Leaning back again the wall Elliot thought about the last three years since he left SVU. He had never felt so disconnected from the world. As he watched the life drain out of Jenna on the precinct floor, he felt the life drain out of himself. The only thing he could see were Olivia's eyes looking into his. Her beautiful eyes were the things that kept him breathing, but once that connection was broken so was he was floundering.

The next few weeks after the shooting Elliot took time off, but he barely got out of bed. Kathy would constantly nag him; try to get him to react to anything. She even went as far as playing Olivia's messages she was leaving on their home phone. Those few weeks, her voice in those messages was the only thing that gave him a feeling. Finally Kathy was so worried about him, she knew he needed help and that he needed to get out of SVU, because next time something traumatic happened Kathy did not think he could handle it, so she put his papers in. About a week after SHE put his papers in he finally snapped out of it, and was incredibly angry about the decision that had been made for him. But Kathy stood firm and told him that they needed to work on their relationship and their relationships with their kids. That would never happened if he returned to SVU or even the NYPD. Finally Eliot relented, as always, for the sake of his children

Although Kathy and Elliot tried hard to repair their marriage that had been on the fritz for the better part of a decade, Elliot soon realized that there was no repairing their relationship. It was in this time of rediscovery that he realized what everyone else had always known, the biggest reason his marriage would have never worked out. He was madly in love with Olivia Benson. It was this realization that not only allowed him to finally file for divorce, but it brought on the most devastating night of Elliot's life.

About 6 months after he had left SVU and 1 month after filing for divorce, he was still living at his home in Queens, getting ready to move out, when he had an attack inside of his head. Although he was not bed ridden as he had been the first few weeks after the shooting, he was still incredibly depressed. He missed Olivia, missed his job, his life, and the guilt of killing Jenna was still eating him alive. To top it off he was not sleeping and Olivia had stopped calling regularly trying to get a hold of him. He wanted so badly to reach out to her, to tell her he was not dead, that he was still there for her. But he was embarrassed. He did not want her to see him like this. She probably already thought less of him for leaving and for shooting Jenna, how could he go back to her in this condition. He knew he had to be the best he could be before he saw her again.

On the fateful Thursday night 4 of his 5 kids were home for the night and they had a nice night, together as a family. While trying to sleep on a couch he had a flashback, all of a sudden he was back in the squad room and Jenna had the gun and she was shooting. She was shooting at Liv and she shot her. It was so real and Elliot was in his head and could not get out. He had no idea what was happening, because next thing he knew he had hit his arm on something and he was on the ground bleeding profusely.

According to a doctor, he had an episode of PTSD. But he did not know that for sure until days later. What he did know was that he was walking around his house, with a large kitchen night, while his kids were home and he had no memory of it. He could have hurt one of his kids or his wife. The people he cared the most about. And this scared Elliot more than he had ever been He refused to sleep the rest of the night, and the next morning he was on the phone with Huang and was getting a referral to a PTSD clinic. He left Kathy a note and headed to Boston where he barely made it there without another episode. That was when he mailed Olivia his medal; he needed her to have the best piece of him he had left, and hold on to it. Within the next 3 days he had endured 6 additional episodes. Over the next year and a half Elliot would live in this clinic trying to overcome the demons that were eating at him.

It had not been easy, but Elliot had dealt with all of his baggage at this time. He had no idea how much his time in the Marines and in SVU had damaged his mental and emotional wellness. During this time he able to better himself in ways he had never imagined. Although it was hard being away from his kids, he eventually was able to explain to the older ones what was going on, and they fully supported him, making their relationship undeniably stronger. Eli was still growing faster than ever and was the light of his life; they would Skype every few days and Kathy would bring him up every other weekend so he was still able to have a good relationship with his youngest son. But through all of this time and self-healing, his goal had forever stayed the same, get back to Olivia and make amends, no matter what that means.

When Elliot was finally released, he was torn on what and who he wanted to be. But he did make the decision to return to NYC to be with his family and ever closer to the love and light of his life. After being back in the city for a few weeks he found out that she was yet again with Brian Cassidy. After seeing them together one night out, he saw her happy and smiling, and as much as it killed him, he wanted her to be happy. He would do anything to see her smile and if Brian would make her smile and take care of her than he would let her go. He did not want her to cause her any more heartbreak, so he would sacrifice his own heart.

After returning to the city, he needed to find a new career, one that took him away from the NYPD but still allowed him to help others. While in Boston, he met 25-year-old girl, ironically named Ella. Ella too was suffering from severe PTSD that she had suffered for years due to a rough childhood and even tougher young adulthood. They instantly bonded because he reminded her of her hero, her older brother Tony who was murdered right before she entered the clinic. And Ella reminded Elliot of his daughters and many of the victims that he had helped over the years. Together, they started an outpatient clinic for others who suffered from PTSD in Boston and NYC. They would travel all back and forth and all over the east coast to help others who have suffered in the way they had. Between the two of them they could relate to any person, and they worked well together. Ella often joked with him that he was using her because he missed Olivia as his partner, but the reality was that it was a platonic relationship that was so sibling-like that it was scary. They helped each other continue to fight their own demons and to get out of their comfort zone to be the best they could be.

It was Ella who had heard about Liv's kidnapping and helped him look for Olivia when she went missing. It was Ella who forced him to the hospital when after she had been found, although she had never known he had been there. It was Ella who made him come to court today and be there for Olivia and it would be Ella who would help him take care of Lewis.

It then hit him that although he was so angry with himself for leaving Liv, he saw the look in her eyes today. She needed him, she needed him to protect her, and to take care of her and make sure nothing would happen to her again. He would do it, because he was not there for her before but he would be there for her now.

He sent Olivia one last text saying "Semper Fi", before watching William Lewis leave the courtroom, and following him down the hallway and out of the courthouse. He would take care of this because he wasn't there.

XX hope you like it! i will update soon!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. Dick Wolf does.

Chapter 3

It had been four days since the day at the courtroom, and Elliot had nonstop followed Lewis. He sat on him day and night, barely sleeping, barely eating. He was learning his routine but most importantly he was making sure he was going nowhere near Olivia. This is ultimately what drove him to stalk Lewis. As exhausted as he was, he would be damned if he let that animal near Olivia while he slept.

While sitting outside of the residence where Lewis was staying, the car door opened and Ella got inside, handing him a cup of coffee.

Elliot looked over at her. "Thanks"

"What are you doing Elliot" Ella asked.

"You know what I am doing" he replied. Not looking at her.

"Are you sure this is a good idea? What is your end game here? You can't follow him around forever." Ella told him

"I don't know El. I just can't let him get away with this. I can't let him near her. I am so scared that if I close my eyes for a second he is going to get away and get her." Elliot said taking a deep breath, calming himself.

"Elliot breathe, please." Taking a minute to pause. " I know what you are thinking and what you are planning. Are you sure it's worth it? To risk not only your life, but all of the progress you have made."

"I don't have another choice. I need to keep her safe. I should have been there. Should have protected her. And I left, I was not strong enough and she got hurt in the process. So now I have to protect her. And the only way to do that is to eliminate the problem."

" Elliot you were a cop you know how these things work. But this is murder, cold blooded murder, not I shot someone in the line of duty, murder. And I know you think it is justified but its still murder. You could go to prison, not to mention what is the fall out going to be mentally when it's all over. You've fought so hard, don't throw it away. Olivia wouldn't want you to. If she cares for you half as much as you are for her…"

"I love her Ella. More than anything else in this world."

"I know you do. But that doesn't justify murder. We can get him some other way. He will strike again, or do something…"

" So someone else gets hurt in the process. I don't think so. I dedicated most of my life to SVU I know how these guys work and I refuse to let someone else, or Olivia gets hurt because of it. I would do anything to protect her. "

"Elliot…."

" We have talked about this before, and you know how much I care about you Ella. I would do anything to get my hands on your stepfather. To cause him as much pain as he caused you when you were a child." Elliot stared right into her eyes. " If given the opportunity I would not think twice. You know that. We have talked about it so many times, and I know you would kill him too. " Tears were now in Ella's eyes. " I feel the same way about this. I need to do this. For her, for me, for all the others he victimized, and everyone else who he will victimize. You read the articles, saw the police file and the trial. You know what he did. I can't let him… I can't. I would do anything for the people I love"

They both had tears in their eyes. Grasping at each other's hands.

" Okay. Why don't we do this. Let me sit on Lewis for a while. You go home get some sleep, clear your head. And if you still wake up tomorrow and want to kill him, I won't stop you. Hell I will even help you."

"Ella I can't let…."

"And I can't let you do this alone. We are a team and I would follow you to the end. But please first go home. I promise I won't let anything happen on my watch."

Elliot sighed hesitantly. "Okay. I will be back in the morning. And we can figure this out"

"Good. I parked my car back there. Call me in the morning and I will let them know where I am. Oh and call your kids. Kathleen and I went jogging yesterday and she is worried about you." Ella leaned over and kissed his cheek before getting up to leave."

Elliot laughed. "Ok I will. And Ella. Thank you" Ella smiled at him as she left the car.

Elliot sat and thought for a second. He needed to sleep, he was so tired, but he did not think that he could actually sleep, not when he was so worried something would happen to Olivia while he slept. Right then, knew where he needed to be, not just for him but for her too. Looking at his watch he knew where he needed to be, so taking a deep breath he took off, knowing exactly where he would find Olivia.

Meanwhile, Olivia was not doing so well. Since the trail and Lewis being set free, she was constantly on-edge. She hated being alone, but she was so tired of everyone coddling her. She did not ever spend time in her and Brian's apartment alone. That was just not going to happen, but Brian was driving her nuts, they had just spent too much time together.

She also was not sleeping in the apartment. She could not even close her eyes when she was there. The only place she felt safe was in the station. There was no way Lewis would ever get in there, even at night he would never be able to get in. So Olivia would only sleep in the cribs. When she did sleep, she never slept for long, the nightmare where getting worse. Even when Brian would crash in the cribs with her she still only managed to sleep for a few hours before she would wake up with a nightmare.

And to make everything worse, she still had not seen or heard from Elliot since the day in court. No texts, no calls, not sightings, nothing. It is hadn't been for the texts she would have convinced herself that it hadn't happened. She did not need any more heartache and that's almost what this was. But his last text message gave her hope, ""Semper Fi. I'll be back Olivia, I promise you I will be back. Please don't give up on me Liv. XO El" she has probably read it a thousands times. _Please don't give up on me_. As much as she hated to admit it, she had never given up on him. She couldn't and she was hoping that this time, this text message was not false hope.

Tonight she was in the cribs, Brian had to work, and she did not want to be in the apartment by herself, so she came to the station. Did some paperwork, re organized her desk, trying to wear herself out until she was tired enough to go to sleep. When she was there at night, one of her coworkers would stay, to make sure that if she needed anything someone was there and that Lewis would never make it anywhere near her. And tonight it was Cragen who was on watch. Olivia smiled at him as she pointed to the crib. He smiled back, knowing she needed the reassurance.

She lay down and taking deep breathes, and then pulled out her cell phone, reread Elliot's text message and took hold of the necklace around her neck. She heard footsteps behind her, and went still, to scared to roll over. When the bed bent under the weight of another she went ridged, afraid to breathe. When she did, her senses where heightened. She knew that smell. Then a hand stroked her arm, she new that touch. Then the body lay down behind her and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. Her back was pressed up against his chest. She looked down and saw his hands. She loved those hands, so strong, and safe. She watched him beat perps with those hands, but comfort others with them. They always made her feel so safe, and right now they were a godsend.

Tears started to well up in her eyes, she felt so safe, for the first time in months. Fuck months, years, since he left. She breathed deep as the arms held her tighter, and she felt his breathe on the back of her neck, and as well as his tears. She slowly turned over and looked into the tear-filled bright blue eyes of Elliot Stabler. Elliot tightened one arm around her, and gently wiped the tears running down her face. "Liv" Elliot said breathlessly, the only thing he could get out. She looked so beautiful, but so sad and scared, he missed her so much. When Olivia heard her name, she buried her face in his neck, breathing him in and let the tears fall. He was there and he was holding her. She was safe, and he was THERE.

Elliot pulled her closer, and held her tight and cried too. " I am so sorry Olivia. I'm so sorry" Held her tighter as she cried, eventually the tears subsided and they both just lay there holding each other tight. And it was at this point that they both fell into a deep sleep, finally together.


End file.
